The Perfect Conservative

The perfect Tory would be:

  1. As competent as George Osborne
  2. As Eurosceptic as Kenneth Clarke
  3. As relevant as Norman Tebbit
  4. As normal as John Redwood
  5. As experienced as David Cameron
  6. As intellectually brilliant as Francis Maude
  7. As close to export industries as Stuart Wheeler
  8. As credible with the City as George Osborne
  9. As committed to public service as William Hague
  10. Or Alan Duncan, come to think of it
  11. As much a countryman as Michael Portillo
  12. As good a big-city mayor as Boris Johnson
  13. Or Eric Pickles, come to think of it
  14. As libertarian as Michael Howard
  15. As sound on foreign affairs as Bernard Jenkin
  16. As anti-racist as Patrick Mercer
  17. As resistant to state fear-mongering as Patrick Mercer
  18. As resistant to state fear-mongering as Andrew Pelling
  19. As tough on the real-estate lobby as Philip Hammond
  20. As useful as Philip Hammond
  21. As noteworthy as Chris Grayling
  22. Or Caroline Spelman
  23. Or that other one – you know
  24. Yeah, Ms Thingy
  25. Or Mr Who? No idea, me
  26. I know. As accountable as Simon Milton
  27. As honest as Anthony Browne
  28. And as handsome as William Hague!

There are some Conservatives who are not included in this joke. They are left as an exercise for the reader.


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